Advaith's commentary on reincarnation

 Advaith's commentary on reincarnation. In his own words:

So, there is no heaven or hell in between; when your eyes close, and then they open again. The only thing that passes in reincarnation is your perception. No past personality. No past information. No information about your past life. You won't know that you reincarnated at all. It's confusing. Only your perception moves from one living being to another. One moment someone closes their eyes and they are dead and the next moment they open their eyes as a little bird.

Are you really ready for what you desire?

Sometimes when things do not go the way we want them, we get very disappointed. It could be a job promotion. It could be an entry into a college we really wanted. It could be capital for a project you want to start.

It is easy to blame your circumstances, people, or even your luck. However, I have come to realize that it probably points to our readiness. Our preparedness.  Is it possible that you only saw some surface things and assumed that you are ready for what you are desiring? Is it possible that there are many hidden factors that you have not considered?

For instance, you applied for a job with a new role and you did not get it.  You thought you are a good fit.  Is it possible that your understanding of what that role demands and what your skills are is not matching?  Is it possible that you have not developed or matured yet to that level? 

It is possible that the fact you did not get that job actually points to your lack of preparedness.  This is very different from lack of talent.  Preparedness is about alignment. Alignment comes with deep insights into the demands of something that you desire.  Do you have that insight? If you did, do you think you would have prepared the way you did?  Job interviews or other decision points are not the starting points in the evaluation - they are the culmination of preparedness up until that point.

Job opportunity is just an example.  Let's say you want to buy a property and you think you have enough capital to buy it, so you are bidding on it against multiple buyers.  But do you have deeper understanding of the ongoing maintenance costs. Do you have the cash flow to manage that? Do you have resources to maintain it?

This borders probably on mathematical thinking.  Perhaps, that's why mathematics has been given such significance in choosing candidates. Of course, the mathematics we are taught in schools is way different and does not nurture mathematical thinking. But pure mathematical thinking allows us to evaluate situations from an objective point of view.  It allows us to remove our subjective biases.  It allows us to be outside the situation and be passive observer.  Spiritual, in a way :-)

So, are you really ready for what you desire? If not, work towards it and the opportunity will present itself again in future multiple times, as long as you are working towards it.  

Advaith’s “Deep Thinking” – Jan 16, 2021

On our way back home from a casual drive, Advaith, sitting in the back seat started talking something deep.

“Sometimes, when I get into deep thinking, I ask questions like ‘why’.  For example, why people want to make airplanes. I do not find an answer and that calms me down. I do that sometimes sitting and revolving in that swivel chair”, he said. He was referring to what we have seen him do many times – sit in rotating chair in a room all by himself, going round and round for long periods of time. We figured he is doing some “deep thinking”.

I told him that his idea of asking deep questions that he does not know answers for to calm his mind sounded a lot like Zen Koan practice where a probably answerless question is meditated upon to calm the mind.  I also gave him the Koan of “what is the sound of a single hand clap” as an example and asked him what he thought of that.

He said, “that sound is there in the universe – but it cannot be named. It is a nameless sound. That’s what I think.” We were amazed at his response.

From the back seat he continued, “When I race in go-karts and do not win, I accept that I did not win. I just accept it.  Sometimes I get may ideas in my head and I cannot do them. I accept that also. That I cannot do them.” I know he is referring to all the project ideas he gets from re-painting scratches on our cars to making spaceships that collect debris in the earths’ orbit.

I told him, “as you grow older and become more resourceful, you will be able to do more and more of that stuff”. 

“Hundred years is not long, I feel”, he said surprising both Manju and me.  “That is a deep thought, Advaith – very deep” we both said.

“I remember the theory you told me once that the entire universe is also just one atom.  I use that theory to tell myself to be patient.” He explained his thoughts on time perception.

“How does that apply here” I asked curiously.

“Well, just like the big universe can also be a small atom, long time can also be just like one second. When that time passes, I can do what I want to do. That makes me patient; that makes me happy.”

I told him I will write down this conversation as both Manju and I found this very profound. He kept talking nonchalantly.

Course correction towards extraordinary

Yesterday, after writing a small blog post after many years, I felt very good. Immediately, I felt the need to be right as well, which I did not realize at that time.  I published my post on Facebook. While on that website, I also posted a whimsical comment on a friend's post as follows:

Being energy is very different from controlling it. Consciousness is an experience of energy not necessarily a tool to control it. We get lost in the effort to control when we can just enjoy the experience. We think having control allows us to somehow improve things. Instead, attempting to control is what leads to all suffering. Control also implies that there is something out there that needs to be controlled. Duality. Us/them; me/them, etc. We are energy is a no-brainer. We just need to be able to enjoy the ordinary rather than fantasizing about "extraordinary" for when we grasp the extraordinary, it becomes ordinary. When we enjoy the ordinary; there is no need for extraordinary.

The gist was that I was arguing against the concept of reaching for extraordinary things instead of enjoying what we already have.   This has been my inner struggle now for years.  I have many metaphors for it.  The path of the warrior versus the path of the yogi.  Being content versus reaching out for more. Satisfaction versus ambition.  You get the point.

As I see it today, the logic around my comment was certainly verbal diarrhea.  It just had to get out of my system. 

Today morning, after another experience, I realized the fallacy of my long-term struggle.   It is not unnatural to seek the extraordinary.  We do enjoy the natural things around us.  We do get bored.  We seek for more.  THAT IS NATURAL.  My resistance towards overreaching comes, perhaps, from looking around and seeing the destructive nature of ambition, greed, and general restlessness.  The solution is not to avoid reaching for the extraordinary but to change the direction in which we seek it.  The restlessness and destruction are a result of reaching out on someone else's vision of extraordinary or just being fooled by capitalism.  

If we can figure out the direction in which we want to expand, I think we will find satisfaction and yet get the continuous motivation to expand.  Expand at a pace that is not neck breaking but at a pace of strength building.  So, I disagree with what I believed yesterday and am ready to push the boundary a little farter today.  

Our ache for the extraordinary stems, I think, from our deep-rooted hope or belief that there is more to this life than what we experience.  And there is only one way to find out!

What is time?

The first thing to understand is time. "Understand" might be totally wrong. Examine, comprehend, contemplate upon, meditate on time.

If I told someone that they should prepare for a severe storm, the first question they might ask is when is the storm coming? If I tell them "someday", then, their response is "no action". If I tell them, "now", then, there is panic.  Depending on how much time is available, the response changes.

What if I told you that time is an illusion? We cannot really make sense of such an assertion in the example given above.  What if I told that we have infinite time to prepare for a storm even if it is coming "now"? Even as I write these words, I cannot accept them myself logically.  However, I have a strong conviction that this has to make sense if we have to make sense of this whole universe.

The key might be in understanding that our minds are tuned to linear sequences. Our intelligence and logic are grounded in linear terms.  Our perception is linear to most extent.  Can we switch to non-linear modes of thinking? Is this what happens in altered states of consciousness? Even if we change our own perception, that does not imply the rest of the reality will adapt to it.  If a storm is coming "now", I might see it in slow motion, one-thousandth of speed, but the rest of the world may not.

Can one be like the superhero Flash and take charge of the rest of the reality? Maybe. But it does not sound plausible.  Can we collectively become like Flash on demand?  (I keep thinking I should watch the move Arrival again to get my thoughts wrapped around this concept.)   What if we can stretch time infinitely?  What is time?

Let my questions be cleared!

Here is an excerpt from "The book of secrets" by Osho:

Bertrand Russel remembers that when he was a child he thought one day, when he is mature enough to understand all philosophy, all questions will be answered. Then later, when was eighty, he said, "Now I can say that my own questions are there standing, as they were standing when I was a child. No other questions have come because of these theories of philosophy". So he said, "When I was young I used to say, philosophy is an an inquiry for ultimate answers. Now I cannot say it. It is an inquiry for endless questions."

Russel's statement connects with me so much. That is exactly why I started studying psychology, philosophy and other spiritual literature: to get answers. My questions started by an inquiry into the universe, galaxies, stars, black holes, etc. I wanted to study astrophysics.  And when I did read a lot of physics, I was amused by the vastness and greatness of the universe while being curious about the tininess of our own existence.  It bothered me for a very long time that how come in such a vast universe we are the only seemingly important beings. Is this entire universe, where we don't event account for a millisecond on universes life scale, just created for us? If we are so important, what is our purpose? If we do have a purpose, are we really fulfilling it? Am I fulfilling my purpose? What is my purpose? What is the right thing for me to do?  I always felt good when I found some answers only to quickly find myself entrapped among many other questions.  After a long stretch of questioning phase, my questions started creating a lot of suffering and agony.  Agony because the questions turned towards morality and everything that I did had to pass through a self-created moral filter.  I din't want to do wrong things.  I was confused as to how I would know what is the right thing to do unless I question?

Years of reading hundreds of books left me in a state of continuous thinking. Problems were no more real to me. They were only mental. When others suffered, I could not really empathize, because to me the problems were not real. They were only puzzles that were supposed to be arranged in a logical sequence so that they make sense. I had to dig into every problem, every decision, every action such that it made sense, such that it gave me purpose, such that they made me comfortable.   I was finding logic, attributing intention, and deducing meaning but I forgot to see the reality as it is; without judging. For years, I believed that being judgemental is about complaining and cretisizing. So, I did the opposite. I used my mind to embrace everything. But it somehow din't feel right all the time.  In my quest for happiness, I denied reality.

My life became a carefully crafted series of actions. Of course, it felt good to be in control and thoughtful. I also have to admit that this approach brought me many things which I am extremely grateful about. However, it left me longing for a sense of spontaneity. I did not want to scrutinize all my thoughts and actions. I did not want to ask if this is right or not.  I wanted to feel free.

I made the decision not to think that much and act freely. Well, as it were, it was not so easy.  I had perhaps hard-coded lot of thought patterns into my brain that it was impossible not to find myself in loops of thoughts (I intend to write a separate blog post on this loops, later).  I started Yoga but could not continue for long stretches of time as my mind was more focused on questions about Yoga instead of being able to focus on breath and awareness of the movements and posture.  In a few seconds' time, my mind goes into amazing labyrinth of my unconsciousness and keeps pulling thoughts like the rabbit out of a magician's hat. Thought patterns and associations I din't believe existed!

Here is a glimpse at just 60 seconds of non-stop thinking while I am performing an asana:

Am I doing it right? Should I be actually seeking the help of a teacher? Where will I find the right teacher who is of pure intention to teach me. How can I go to Bihar School of Yoga and learn for months together without working to support livelihood. I have enough money to sustain four months of training; but since I am a freelance contractor once my pipeline of projects is diverted, it is very difficult to regain it. What will I do then? I should not let this client go away. I have to work and deliver on time. Oh yes, I have to fix that bug which I have been postponing from a week because I was feeling too restless to work.  But working makes me long for Yoga. Oh god, let me complete this session quickly for today and work on that bug. Once I finish the pending things, from tomorrow, I will be able to better focus on Yoga.

Well, there is more to it, but the above thread is enough to give jolt to my own self as I write.

Once I realized the bombardment of my thoughts, I became more agonized because I seemed to have no control whatsoever on them.  I wanted to get rid of them. However, being on the path of intellect I questioned as to why those thoughts are occurring so that I can solve the root problem such as completing my work so that the concerns of work don't arise during my Yoga practice. To my amazement, the concerns never stopped.  If I thought of addressing one, there was another in the pipeline. I was just pulling the ribbon out of the Magician's pocket which never seemed to end.   I kept pulling this ribbon for years!

Very recently, I realized that that ribbon is a self creating one triggered by the act of pulling. So, the more I pull it the more there is to pull. The more I ask, the more questions there are. While taking a walk after visiting a beautiful temple and asking for guidance, I received the message that my approach is not very useful. Intellectually, I knew this for long time. But there is something about messages and insights. When they come, they just pierce through you leaving no more dilemmas about the topic concerned.

Practice! The message said, Practice! You spent way too much time trying to ask why this is happening. What is the cause. How can I eliminate the root cause of this problem. What are other issues that are influencing this, and so on. Well, sit down and meditate. All your questions will be cleared.

It was indeed very true. I spent a lot of time finding out which path is the right one for me. I spent lot of time getting proof of the path that I wanted to pursue. I wanted to ensure that the cake was tasty before I ate it. At the same time, I din't believe others' narrations for I knew the transmission of experiential knowledge is logically impossible.

In continuation to that message, a few days later, I got another message: It is not necessary that you get answers to your questions. It is much better not to get questions at all.  That is a state of bliss. Enlightenment, contrary to popular belief, is not when all your questions are answered.  It is that state when no questions arise whatsoever. It is a state where the reality is just perceived. There are no questions to be asked for there are no doubts. The entire existence of questioning and reasoning is based on our discriminatory powers. When you transcend to the state of oneness, there is no discrimination (the power to discriminate still exists, but the need to discriminate does not).  This leads to a state of no questioning.

Here I take a bite of the cake! The taste is not what I expected it to be. But that's the point, if it were like anything else, why eat this cake !!!

I eat and I pray - Let my questions be cleared!

(PS: The entire journey of years of questioning was not a waste. It was absolutely a prerequisite to the realization that questions need not be answered.)

Why is idleness such a drudgery!

It's a long drive, let me pick up some music to listen while I drive.

It's a long journey, let me pick up a book to read on the train or maybe I can carry my DSLR to capture some good photos.

I have to just wait in the hospital room, let me load up my kindle with some recent books to catch up.

I have nothing to do while I am waiting there, let me copy some movies to my phone to watch.

Let me check Google news and see what's happening. What's happening with my friends on Facebook?

What am I going to do alone at home over the weekend? Let's see if there are any new movies on Showcase.

These are all my recurring thoughts when I think of idleness. Like many of us, I am afraid of being idle. I don't know if it is fear, avoidance, or sheer unpleasant feeling that makes being idle a difficult option to choose from the plethora of other stimulus of entertainment.

It is not as if I am worried of not being productive being idle, for in any of the alternatives I choose from, nothing is productive per se. They just help me get lost in some other realm. Music takes me to a different plain; books put me in a serious philosophical battle, movies captivate my senses and push me between past and future, and online chatter keeps me engaged without having to think of any purpose. I am not saying there is anything wrong with any of these. Just wondering how come idleness is such a drudgery.

It is one of my recent insights that we avoid idleness because it has the potential to bring many unconscious conflicts to the surface. Conflicts which we don't want to resolve; which seem too overpowering upon us, or the ones which we do not have the resources to solve (or so we think). It is also possible that the idleness is an antidote to the rush that is created by our mind in its script of survival and mind does not like this antidote at all. It is very difficult for the mind to accept that sometimes, its services are not required. The mind keeps all its resources on toes to deal with all kinds of situations.  There is lot of counter pressure from the intelligence of the body to this kind of bossing. To justify this bullying, the mind has to come up with some strong overdoes of logic that it needs to do what it is doing. It is like our politicians, perhaps, who create a crisis to keep themselves important.

So, in light of such a crisis between mind and body, it becomes difficult for us to make a decision in favor of our body.  You may ask, why? I don't know. But I think the most probable reason is this: we are not sensitive to the messages from our body.  We are way too much in our mind and don't know when a message from our body knocks on the door. We don't pay attention to the body, till it knocks us down! Even when it knocks us down, we seldom take the message. We treat the symptoms and move on in the glory of our victory.  So, the result is that we are more sensitive to the messages from our mind than our body.

Think of this situation; we broadcast a message which is in the ultrasonic range to a large group of people. No one responds but their pet dogs are going bonkers. The dogs are sensitive to hearing those messages; we are not.  Fortunately, unlike ultrasonic sound, messages from the body are in a range which we cannot become sensitive to.  In fact, originally, we were sensitive to them but that faculty just got clogged with the constant hammering of messages from the mind. Imagine a traffic junction of a major highway and a small village road.  For every 120 seconds of highway traffic, 30 seconds of village traffic is released.  Again, you might ask, why consider body messages village traffic. If it is important, why does the body not send more powerful messages.  Unlike our mind, which is a fully dependent manager, our body organs are self-sufficient groups.  By and large, they do their work with commitment and try to get things done and don't keep raising false alarms all the time.  So, there are fewer messages from the body.

Well, I have come a long way from idleness to complicated entangled thoughts.  The point is we try to avoid idleness because we are not trained to become sensitive to other inputs.  So, without any inputs our sensory system does not know what to do. It sits and counts the stars perhaps. Meanwhile, the mind goes into internal loops which bring out the hidden conflicts to the surface which are not very pleasant.  Most likely these conflicts push us to take actions which we do not want to!

It would not be a great insight if it just ends with more explanation of the problem instead of a solution. The solution is mindfulness and meditation practice. Both these practices train us to turn our senses inwards as well as experience the bliss of doing nothing!  So, I recently made a choice that I will embrace idleness and do meditation or practice mindfulness instead of take the cover of other stimulus.  Of course, I will read when I feel like; but when I don't have anything else to do.

You are neither the creator nor destroyer

you are neither
the creator
nor the destroyer
nor the subject
or the object
you are not
the catalyst
nor are you
the secret ingredient
you are but a carrier
of earth and ether
of spirit and air
and the endless fire

Creators of nuisance

creatures of nuisance
perhaps god's musings
frowned clowns
drowned twigs
hungry pigs
greedy dicks
running hares
snoring bears
free thinkers
full mind tinkers
logical bakers
reasonable fakers
creators of nuisance
the so called humans
perhaps god's errings

learn to love

learn to love
oh bloody fucking bastard!
learn to love
for thousands of years
learnt many things
sought power
fought for land
took pride
climbed high
called yourself
civilized
but dry you are
like the desert of thar
courteous pretentous
terrified petrified
you die, or
learn to love
oh fear-clad! before you die

fears, deep and hidden

the denied demons
let gone memories
restless, nostalgic thought-forms
fears, deep and hidden
of gone-by years
jump at once
for even tiny tremors
of ego-quake
wearing masks and hats
of protection, oh dear!
calling names
and speaking tounges
causing pain
and raking wounds

promises and words
given and taken
are they so weak
to stand facing
fears, deep and hidden
close your eyes
and seek but one
love thy self
and love a little more
when you are flooded
give out some love
and then, give a little more
disguised, disgruntled
come what may
seems fear doesn't stand
a second in love's way

Doing or Being, or Being and Doing. or Doing and Being

One of the core conflicts on the path of spirituality that everyone faces is the question of whether to accept things as they are or do something about it. One path says let things happen the way they are happening - accepting that it is the will of a greater power and is directed towards a greater good. Another path says, we have a short time given to us and we have to stand up and do what is right and what is good. Do not accept injustice and suffering; do something about it and make things better.

I do not know about others but this has been a long-time conflict for me. It is only very recently that I found out the reality about this conflict; that there is no conflict. There is only awakening, acceptance, and being. The problem with letting things happen by themselves is that mind will not allow you to be at peace. For the reality is not always happy; there is insecurity, there is crime, there is injustice, there is inequality all around and a mature mind will not simply show its back to such reality. Even if you do not really take any action against any of those issues, mind will experience severe cognitive dissonance which can manifest as other unidentified emotions such as frustration, irritability, depression, impulsive nature, etc.

On the other hand, if you have to stand up and fight, the whole experience becomes very judgmental  At the same time, deciding what is right and what is not becomes tougher and tougher as one learns more about the ways of the world. Furthermore, as you start asking questions, you see that the negative virtues are so overwhelming part of reality that you will not know where to start and where it can end. It only gobbles up the mental space with stress and anxiety.

So, why are these two contradicting things part of spiritual journey. My understanding dawned, perhaps, as a result of lots of philosophical thought and little experience.  Most of the time the qualities mentioned, the discipline prescribed, and the methods suggested on the spiritual path are not totally clear. This is more so in today's world where most spiritual journeys are happening without the direct presence of a Guru. When it is said that let things happen the way they are happening, it does not mean that you do not oppose injustice. At the same time, when you are told to stand up for what is right, it does not mean you change the whole world. It is a call for a very fine subjective state. What is truly required is to be not judgmental about what is happening; yet know what you need to do. The question of right and wrong, good and bad does not arise here.  If you are really trusting, you have to trust that your inherent qualities are capable of following the true path if not hindered. No one needs to teach a river, or make way for the river so that the river meets the ocean. Just don't stop the flow and it will by itself, by its own virtue, meet the ocean. Now, to ask if it is right for the river to meet the ocean or if it is right to construct a dam to improve agriculture is the game of the mind and ego.

Once you achieve this state of acceptance where you are no more judging anything, you just live! Now, that you have so many years to live, you have to choose to do something with this life. Now, that choice should be made in the direction that feels right to you in that realm. This is very important. Nothing is right or wrong from a higher spiritual realm; so it really does not matter what you do. But within this realm our actions are going to have consequences and we should be prudent to choose them. I would like to reiterate that, again, here you should not do something because you think that something is not right and needs to be changed. That will be judgmental  You should choose an action because you have to do something or the other in life and you better choose one that seems to have positive consequences within this realm. Realizing that everything is being guided by a higher power, allows you to move ahead with the confidence of doing the right thing.  Knowing that your actions and choices are irrelevant; yet choosing the right path is the true art of living and the path to awakening.

walking past twilight

i look at the moon and the stars
and wonder what they are writing on my cards
i nod my head left to right
and focus on the darkness of the night
as the mind refuses to sit still to meditate
i take a random walk just past twilight
the restlessness refuses to rest
the sleep is still far far away
sometimes the dreams talk gently
yet other times they elude and tease
for the unknown inside
no teaching and wisdom seems to please
the clock is too loud to bear
and the master is not to be seen anywhere
all the paths look welcoming
and all promise a destination
i am still trembling and fumbling
for i don't know whats my hesitation
faintly i do hear the calling
but the ego's strength is too ruling
the crossroads seem unending
and the walk and talk is still pending
i learned the rules of the game too well
and so i can't really play
yet i cant seem to sit and stay
to break free seems to be the only way
the ego is looking at me
like i am its prey
to break free seems to be the only way

Intellect, Conflict and Self-realization

For years, I have been an intellectual and trying to reason everything out to find the truth and to know what is the right thing to do. I cannot claim that I found out the answers all the time; nevertheless, deep contemplation and logic have been my tools in life to solve problems and resolve conflicts.  Soon after I became aware of my cognitive processes of logic and reason, which started becoming all-encompassing and taking charge for almost everything in my life, I started wondering if I am becoming too methodical and logical that I am not able to do anything spontaneously or intuitively.  The thinking became faster and hence even the high-alert situations were becoming easy to respond to with thought instead of reflex. Of course, there are still some biological reflexes that are more hardwired to overcome.  In any case, the point I am making is that I was becoming worried that maybe I am moving away from experience and just processing everything like a computer; more mechanical.  Osho says "be spontaneous" - and the funny part about being spontaneous is that if you think that you should be spontaneous that itself is self-contradictory for you have already become pridictable (osho himself points to this contradiction- such a cunning guru he is)!

In recent times, with my emphasis shifting more to eastern style of spirituality I began to focus on learning through experience rather than through books and intellect.  One thing that occured to me about intellect is that as we hone our intellect (knowingly or through time), we not only start reasoning out everything but also start accessing our unconscious world more readily.  It is a long known fact that we do not readily have access to the information present in the unconscious part of our mind, which only becomes accessible in dreams or through symbolic repesentation and is not always clear. However the unconscious mind is effecting our every decision in life. My insight lead me to believe that as one starts reasoning out more and more, they will be pushed to become more aware of all the parameters involved in any situation. The more parameters one sees as contributing factors to any situation, the less the possibility of attributing the causation to any one particular thing. This leads to the realization (realization - not assumption) that everything happens like an orchestra and not just because one thing or person caused it. This is great learning in itself for it takes away the possibility of becoming angry or upset with any situation or person.

Coming back to the point, I believe that once the degree of intellect reaches a specific point (I don't have any rating here but it should definitely be far far above mediocre thinking), it starts accessing information from unconscious mind also. More importantly rather, unconscious mind starts trusting the cognitive process and reveals the information (read the previous line again as that is the key). This might happen primarily because, by then, reasoning is ready to believe that no one can be solely attributed with any causation. So, the unconscious does not fear about any acqusations and feels okay to share some stuff, which it will not do otherwise for the fear of guilt, ridicule, disgust or meagre judgement.

Since unconscious thoughts also become to surface, more and more actions look like they are becoming thought-out rather than spontaneous.  I learned it is okay! For when we become aware of our unconscious and start using that information as well, we are slowly becoming aware of who we truly are! Without that knowledge and acceptance of who we are, self-realization will just be a feel-good term.

The other side of the coin is that becoming so aware of ones unconscious mind will initially be a very daunting experience.  For it takes lot of time to realize that one is accessing information from unconscious as it actually manisfests in different forms that may not be easily readable. So, to identify that the conflicts one is experiencing in life are actually communication from the unconscious itself takes some time and that time is very traumatic. If one learns to be patient and hold oneself together, they will move past this stormy phase and realize that all the conflicts were actually very useful.  Sadly, many people just get trapped in this stage and do not come out of it. They become keenly aware of all the congnitive processes but don't reach the phase where they can accept them as they are. They fight! Irrespective of who wins in the conflict (mostly between mind and heart as people famously know it), the soul is left with wounds and scars. And then people blame that thinking too much will lead to moving away from reality and experience.  Yes, that will happen if people get trapped in that initial phase and refuse to accept certain facts. But if they do, and move on, the deep cognitive process will eventually lead to liberation as it will show to a person that in the end of everything it is just a great, beautiful, mystical, exhilerating symphony of the universe! Perhaps, such is the path of Gyan Yoga :-)

streams of blurred consciousnesses

somewhere deep in the valley
amidst lost souls and
streams of blurred consciousnesses
i swim to find a shore
desperately, so badly

the places are all familiar
but they don't belong
earth and the breath
are all but borrowed on time

searching for that which
i have never known
knowing that i may not know
when i find

the water is cold
and it's burning my feet
walking in the water
is not that easy either

the rocks and sand are smooth
it's the water that's piercing
looking from up above
it moves like a tear drop
easing its way out
and floating untamed

the burden is too high
not letting me step by
pinning down to the bottom
with rumbling sounds of wind
escaping through the gaps
a stillness of the doom

where is the lighthouse
and where is the hairpin bend
even if there is a chance
i don't know what to mend

i might as well have been here
again and again, round and round
but the lender is pushing for interest
the elements are all in transit

i realize i am going to the ocean
but alas, i carry nothing
what should i gift to the mighty
from all this journey and the flow
what shall i show when i go home
no twig to hold and the water is so cold

melody in the air

I sat down to meditate

trying to clear my mind out

pushing away all things unnecessary

to go deep, meditate, experience joy

a distant song, melody in the air

reached my ears, and stuck my heart

the sound is good, but the time is not

my mind again pulled itself, ready

perhaps it was the song of morning flock

birds flying out of their nests

to start another unprecedented day

but right now, i have to meditate

it could be the birds exchanging

morning pleasantries to one another

or the orchestra of wings flapping together

i better close the windows, i thought

just then, my teacher walked in

asked what i was fighting for

and why i was sitting there

in meditation, master, i seek

to experience deep joy and bliss

but my heart keeps following

sounds from here and there, feather and flock

what joy can you experience, he said

that is not in that distant song

what bliss can one seek

that is greater than the melody in air

look around and open your heart

joy and bliss are right here, right now

joy is where your heart is

the heart is in that distant song

in the melody in the air

I am sitting here alone in the dark room

I am sitting here alone in the dark room
looking everywhere, and alert
my mind aware and afraid
engulfing dark forces all around

I close my eyes to escape
the fear darkness elicits
moving deep and deeper inside
stumbled upon another darkness

this time, the heart was afraid
finding within my mind, darkness so dreadful
my heart flapped its wings hard
to fly out of those unknown corners

I opened my eyes and sat unmoved
the darkness outside now looks
more illuminated, more perceivable
can't close my eyes while conscious anymore
have to wait till sleep takes over

I am waiting for my teacher
to come and hold my hand
take me back to those corners
and lighten them up with his love
oh! teacher where are you
I am sitting here alone in the dark room

oh dear, seek what you need

when you are suffering, seek joy
when you are in the dark, seek light
if you see no hope, seek faith
don't panic and don't ask in haste
oh my beloved, don't seek explanations

seek your purpose, and wisdom
you shall be shown the path
seek strength and courage
the angels will fly by you
oh dear, seek what you need

ask not, why this has happened,
seek not, the dreadful, why me?
to show you the causes,
the pandora box has to be opened
oh dear, don't go there

Looking behind, and moving ahead...

She looks behind, only a glance
Dark and desolate the path
With melancholy and deep longing
But she can see where the light is coming from

Thousand memories pacing, racing, seeking attention
Each one afraid of oblivion, of losing
Selling themselves and binding more
Building a fabric, with threads of pain

A voice from deep inside rises
Stands up and demands to be heard, followed
The feet move forward, one step and then another
She knows where the light is coming from...

My heart is weeping!

Is it all happening according to your plans,

Killings in the name of supreme God,

Or, are you testing us when we will take action?

Should we wait for Peace or fight for Peace?

Should we pity the wrong-doers and pray for their wisdom,

Or, fight like Arjunas of this Yuga?

Are we ignorant or are we submissive?

Show us the path, throw some light

Shall we believe that all the victims had their destinies,

Or, should we stand up and say, 'this is wrong'?

Can we say, birth and death are, but passing seasons,

Or, rise like Kali and do asura-samhara!

Oh! Lord! Give me wisdom; Give me strength.

Wisdom to know what is right,

Strength to do that that is right!

Oh! Lord! My heart is weeping

Is it part of your plan, or are you testing?

Daybreak

It was hot and humid even at four in the evening. The scattered clouds here and there were not able to hide the midday sun's rays. The bus stopped and an elderly lady with a two bags full of biscuits to sell got on the bus. There is no seat free and she kept her bags next to a pole and stood holding the seat's arm-rest. When the conductor came, she gave three rupees and asked for a ticket to the next stop, which was two kilometers away. It was a tiring day so far but time to go home. The conductor gave a cynical look and said, "don't you know maaji the ticket price has increased from today, to seven rupees". The woman suddenly gasped for breath but managed to ask the conductor if she could get the ticket just for this day for the usual three rupees. The bus was crowded and the conductor irritated. "i don't own this bus maaji; please give the change, i have to tender more tickets, or you get down the bus". The lady could not process much but helplessly asked him to stop the bus. "Why do you come to eat our brains, i fail to understand", screamed the conductor and tapped the cealing of the bus with his ticket-holder indicating to the driver to stop the bus, and rushed the lady to get down quickly.

She got down the bus and stood there for a few seconds not knowing what to do and then decided she will take a walk. The walk was slow and preoccupied. She was calculating all the additional four rupees on tickets across the month and the provisions she can buy to sustain household, occasionally wiping the unstopping sweat off her forehead and cheeks with her saree. After a walk for about 20 minutes, she needed rest and sat on the pavement. A 20-storey five-star hotel stood tall and gave shade to the place where she was sitting. From a distance, the building looked very attractive with so many small box-like-windows for each room. Three storyes above where she was sitting, a businessman was rushing to a meeting. The waiter knocked the door and got the coffee the businessman ordered just a few minutes ago. He placed the tray containing coffee decotion, milk, and sugar on the side table and left the room. The businessman made the coffee in a hurry, buckled his belt, and sipped it. A frown on his face. What a waste, I don't know who taught this fellow how to make coffee. He poured down the 90-rupee special coffee down the drain and left the room as the door got locked behind him.

Down below, the lady got up and started walking again.